Fix You
If you have followed us for any length of time on social media for the past five weeks then one thing you know for sure: the farm rescued two horses from a kill pen through donations from our farm supporters.
I still cannot believe it’s a thing we did. I still cannot fully understand why it’s a thing I was so compelled to do.
Except maybe I can.
Fundamentally, I’ve been searching for a break – not a vacation sort of a break – but a break from the constant (24 hours/day, 7 days/week, 52 weeks/year) obsession with the farm business. This dairy has been a longstanding dream I worked toward for years before ever opening the doors, and when I DID finally open the doors, I did it alongside one year old twin babies and a husband with a full time job in the city. It’s been a challenge, a battle, a struggle, an all encompassing journey wrought with frustration, victories, defeats and learning curves so steep I’ve crawled them on my knees. On my knees, y’all.
So this year, when I was finally able to bring on a full time cheese maker. And I dropped to once a day milking. And I settled into some comfortable accounts who I was no longer chasing and begging. And I had a few horses from whom I gained the sweetest, purest joy and peace in years? I chased that feeling and funneled the energy into a slightly tangential project, sure. But one that was still very important to my heart (also soul). Their rescue was a positive channel into which I could focus energy that wasn’t constantly being plugged straight into the dairy while (hopefully) still engaging the community that’s supported this dairy since the beginning.
Do you follow this logic?
I am left nearly speechless by the bottomless well of support and love that has surrounded this effort. I truly believe this small gesture, meant to serve as a platform to educate some folks about the longstanding kill pen system in the US, has served that purpose. I know that many of you weren’t aware of kill pens, the fact that they operate unregulated and are therefore allowed to inflict outrageous levels of neglect and abuse on animals bound for slaughter in Mexico. But I’m not using this space today to outline all of this for you again. It’s all there on the “horse rescue” page of our website. This isn’t about that.
It’s about the heart of this work. I’m trying to get to the heart of this work. I’m trying to dissect the reason why I’m so compelled to help. Probably it’s not a thing that can be articulated.
The two horses rescued appear to be polar opposites. Penny is a large and strong mare who arrived sick (they’re almost always sick after spending time in the kill pen) but recovered quickly due to her generally healthy condition. She is nervous and has difficulty trusting people while simultaneously craving affection. She is complicated, strong, strong, and beautiful.
Teddy is small and (will someday be) stout. He arrived completely emaciated with signs of long standing, very poor health due to nutritional deficiencies and severe teeth overgrowth. He is calm, calm, calm. He is not affectionate – he tolerates his lot in life therefore he tolerates affection. He is bright, alert. He is not getting better, at least not quickly.
Due to Teddy’s need for intensive care, I brought him home from the rescue org where he was quarantined while Penny stayed on. He’s living in my front yard so he can see our horses in the pasture but he is physically close enough for me to keep constant watch and to slowly earn, not just his trust, but his affection. I know it’s in there somewhere inside his heart that’s been working a little too hard to keep beating.
While this entire rescue effort was initiated to create a platform from which I might educate people about the realities of the kill pen system, it’s sort of become all about Teddy. Rather, Teddy now symbolizes this effort. Teddy has become my entire focus. I just want to fix him. I guess after so many years of operating at about 300 mph with no manual and very little control over the direction of the flight: I need this to work out. I need to make him better.
If you’re concerned I’ve perhaps pinned all my hopes and focus on something far outside my control then, well, you’re right. If you think that matters to me, then, well, you’re wrong. Regardless of how incredibly corny or ridiculous it may sound, I do believe in the power of love and being present to aid in healing. It’s evident this animal has undergone years of neglect, and he’s probably rarely, if ever, had a person to be HIS person. Next week I will have a third vet investigate his puzzling condition. I will continue to doctor his abscessed foot and then begin work on what appears to be a new abscess ready to burst in another. I will brush, wash, bandage, feed, and talk quietly. In the moments between work and kids and the other animals, I will spend time with Teddy, not because I know it will make him well, but because I have to believe that it can.
There’s so much in this world that makes absolutely no sense. There is hate and abuse and pain and sorrow. While I still can’t really define my reasons for taking on this particular project, I guess it’s because I wanted to make whole something that was broken. It’s sort of what our horses did for me when I first brought them home exactly 10 months ago. Not that I was broken, but I was no longer whole. Because, while this business and this farm have given to me more than I can ever quantify, they’ve taken (and taken) as well. Healing Teddy, an animal that symbolizes for me hope and courage and requires very little more than love – that’s just a damn honor. It’s an emotional battery recharge.
Two weeks ago, as I was driving to make a cheese delivery, a Coldplay song came on the radio – the lyrics caused me to momentarily pull over to the side of the road and wipe hot tears that inexplicably started pouring from my eyes. On Tuesday, after loading Teddy into the trailer and while driving him home, the same song came back on the radio. Timing is everything. If you believe in signs like I do, then you’ll probably agree it’s a strong one. Teddy, this one’s for you:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
-Coldplay
